I'm competing with his ex-wife

wifeThe letter: "From 3 I have been married for years to a divorced man with two children from the first mu marriage. When I found out that he had another wife and children from his ex-wife, I felt terrible that I was not the only woman in his life, because I did not have another. I couldn't stop thinking about his past - I was constantly trying to imagine what marriage was.here them. Every day I made him tell me in detail about their life together - what they talked about, how they felt about each other, how and what they quarreled about, how they spent their time, I was interested in what their intimate life was like (whether he had a good time with her, how often they had intimate contacts, how they did things).

When she told me that he was not happy and that he did not love herl so much as much as I did, I was gleeful and pleased, but if he told a story, I immediately began to look for something in his words or behavior to prove to him that he was lying to me, that he was not happy, and that he did not love her. I try to stop thinking about his past and come to terms with the fact that he had another wife and he did everything with her that he did with me, but now 3 I've had these thoughts for years and I can't deal with them.

I am interested in every detail of his life with her and I try to understand their experiences, feelings, behavior, I try to be accurate in my imagination with all the details I heard from him. This immersion in the past prevents me from fulfilling my duties at home and at work. Nothing can hold my mind for long, because I always associate every activity with its past. When I see a woman who looks like his ex, I immediately think of them both. When I saw two parents with children, I remembered them again and how they went out together, they enjoyed their children. I feel jealous and jealous when I think about it. I constantly compare myself to his ex-wife. Am I more beautiful, better, more industrious, smarter than her and I keep asking him what qualities she possessed - both external and internal. When, for example, he tells me I haven't done something, as it should be, I attack him immediately и I tell him I'm not as perfect as his ex. Sometimes he tells me I'm better than her and I enjoy it, but when he says she's better in some ways, I start blaming him for not fighting hard enough to keep his perfect wife. now she has to put up with the worse.        

The worst thing is that I have a bad attitude towards his children, because I am constantly reminded that he had an affair with another woman. And I avoid contacts, I don't want to see them. When we go out with them, I hardly take themиI take part in the conversations, I only talk to my husband, I ignore them and they feel my negative attitude and also avoid me. I know they are not guilty of anything, but I do not know how to love them. I am jealous when my husband pays attention to them, kisses them or wants to to come with us on vacations, on walks. I already feel like I'm starting to annoy him, he tells me he's tired already 3 years to ask him the same questions. I want to stop "I'm chewing ”in the past, comparing myself to his ex and hating his children. But these thoughts keep coming to me and I can't control myself, and the negative emotions and tensions that follow them lead me to despair. I hope to be able to forget the past and stop associating with it current events or people that remind me outwardly or behaviorally of their life together. 

Maybe I want all the attention to be focused on me. I have no desire to take responsibility for other people's children. I am annoyed by the thought that they constantly remind him of their mother. When they are with us, he tells them about the time they were with not me. I am constantly competing with a person who is no longer a part of our lives (although contacts with his ex are necessary when something related to children has to be done). I am interested in the details of their life together to find out based on what he said, who he loved more, who he listened to more, who he was happier with in every way. There was a case where the four of them had to stay and I felt superfluous, I thought they could have been happy together if they hadn't separated. I thought about what kind of family they used to be and that we are with him now only because they didn't put in enough effort and didn't appreciate what they have. I think how happy they could be together, instead, everyone should go their own way and the children should be torn between two newly created families. 

I think I'm afraid of losing my husband because I don't feel good enough soas his ex. That's why I keep asking him about her to see something I excel at, and something that makes the relationship between me and my husband different from that between them when they were together. I'm probably afraid she'll start regretting not being with her, but with me, and to say to himself that he was happier then. My negative attitude towards his children suggests itm that it comes from the fact that they are his relationship with his ex and because of them he will constantly remember her, which makes me afraid that feelings for her will not reappear.

I don't want him to look back and regret what he lost. I constantly suspect him of lying to me that he didn't love her so much as much as me and that he is happier with me, although I see no reason for him to do so. It's my fault for his children, because he doesn't communicate much with them because of me, because I'm rightиla remarks that he spends more time with them, instead of me, although the opposite is true. And I know that they are at an age when they need a father by their side.

The answer of psychologist Koeva:

The problem is related to the constant competition between you and this woman. I will ask you a few questions. Do you like yourself the way you are? Do you believe that you deserve to be happy?

As far as I understand, your husband did not give you reason to worry that you might lose him. In your emotional world, however, things are in this negative way, and it's as if you're setting the universe up for them to really happen. What makes this woman better than you? Just because your husband had another marriage behind him doesn't mean he still has feelings for her. Does it make sense to waste your time thinking about some past things instead of giving yourself a chance to enjoy your family? You say you are afraid of losing your husband because you do not feel as good as his ex-wife. Everyone has their own positive qualities, their own concept of happiness, their own successes and achievements to be proud of. I'm sure you have something to boast about. And I'm sure your husband appreciated you. In order for the positive inner change to happen in you, you first need to raise your self-confidence. When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, say to yourself, "I love you and I am proud of you (your name)! You are beautiful as yourself and good as yourself. I live in the present, which has prepared great surprises for me! ”Talk to the children. It is not their fault that their parents have separated. And precisely because they are not guilty, you do not need to consciously or unconsciously stop them from talking and meeting your father.

The letter:

"I like myself outwardly, but I don't like my character.

I do not feel that I deserve to be happy, but rather I perceive my life as a punishment for my mistakes and shortcomings.

My husband really loves me, but sometimes, кgohe talks to his children or other people about his ex-wife, it seems to me that he is still thinking about her and regrets that he is not with her.

Sometimes I think it would be easier for me to endure infidelity than to know that he had another before me. It's like wearing second-hand clothes - someone else enjoyed them and bragged about them while they were new, and you have toи you wear them when they are already used and discarded.

In many things cha is better - she has had more friends, she is more communicative, more industrious, she knows how to achieve, whatever she wanted, she harassed him less and gave him children.

The problem is that the children they constantly remind me of his ex-wife and often talk about her. Besides, they are already youйniggers and are difficult to contact. I don't know what I can talk to them about, they are only interested in entertainment, and these things are foreign to me."

The answer of psychologist Koeva:

You will have to accept his children. Which are from his ex-wife. Teenage years are really harder and contact with teenagers is not always smooth, but if you try to make friends with them, ask them what worries them, what they need, you will gain their trust. If you are 26 years old, then, not much time has passed since the time you were a teenager. Things have not changed in any drastic direction in 10 years. Remember what you were excited about then, what you were afraid of, what problems you had, what your needs were. Children feel when they are not accepted. You may risk losing your husband not because you are not the "other" woman, but because you are separated from his children.

The letter:

"I also have a dialogue with myself on these issues and I try to think that way, but things don't work out. I don't know how to overcome the bad feelings towards him, towards the children, towards my ex. It seems to me that I am not living my own life, but trying to relive his past, trying to put myself in his shoes and understand their relationship, instead of thinking about what we can do here and now. I really want to get rid of the anger, hatred, jealousy, bitterness, and frustration I feel when someone mentions how much he suffered for her when she left him. I feel bad that he had a hard time breaking up with her and was depressed for so many years until he met me. I'm afraid he married me just to fill the void she left with him and to emerge from the "hole" he was in.

I don't believe he left me because he clung to me "like a straw drowning man." Rather, he moves away from his children. I make him pay more attention to them because I know they need him, but at the same time I'm bothered by my bad feelings for them. I don't know how to love them or at least not be angry with them.

The answer of psychologist Koeva:

My professional help is where your personal feeling that things are in your hands begins. I could not come and stop you from thinking negatively if you do not decide for yourself. I could not come and tell you, "Believe that your husband loves you!" If you do not believe him. But I could advise you to give it a try! I think I have given you enough food for thought. There is an emphasis in your last letter: "I feel bad that he has been through a difficult separation from her and has been depressed for so many years, UNTIL he met me." Until he met you, your husband was depressed, but after you showed up, he felt that you were the woman he wanted to move on with. That should be a sign that he hasn't clung to you like a straw drowning man. I repeat - you are the person on whom positive change depends.


Author: psychologist Maria Koeva

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